October 18, 2003

MEN'S SPEECH PATTERNS

1. "I can't find it"
MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

2. "That's women's work"
MEANS: it's difficult, dirty, and thankless.

3. "It's a guy thing . "
MEANS: there's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

4. "Can I help with dinner?"
MEANS: why isn't it already on the table?

5. "It would take too long to explain"
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.

6. "We're going to be late."
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.

7. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

8. "That's interesting dear."
MEANS: are you still talking?

9. "You know how bad my memory is."

MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of Cheers, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot what you said.

10. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
MEANS: the girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, and was wearing a bikini thong.

11. "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.

12. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
MEANS: what did you catch me at?

13. "I heard you."
MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.

14. "I brought you a present."
MEANS: It was free coffee cup night at the baseball game.

15. "I missed you."
MEANS: I can't find the remote, my id card, truck keys, the soda water, and we're out of toilet paper.

16. "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are."
MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.

17. "I don't need to read the instructions."
MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.