November 9, 2003

FIFTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN

by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why
the human race has not achieved, and never will
achieve, its full potential, that word would be
meetings.

3. There is a very fine line between;a hobby and
mental illness

4. People who want to share their religious views with
you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up
and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is
gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a
clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even
remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can
see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting
other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age
eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status
or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we
ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the
waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important.
Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember
that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built
the Titanic.

FINAL Thought for the day:
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes,
and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them
until they turn into something acceptable to
have dinner with.

Stay vertical - Ted